Dear Fox
by Yoake Hajime
Summary: Hiei has written his fox a letter! ^__^ Farewell letter? Love letter? Well, I'm NOT telling! = P


Hokay, I could always say that Hiei and Kurama both belong to me…but of course, no one's going to believe it anyway. shrug  And I'd probably get killed by outraged fans in the process too. sweatdrop 

Kurama: Well, of course. flipping his hair  Everyone knows we belong to each other.

Hiei: Hn. _I_ didn't know that.

Kurama: mock surprise But of course you do koibito!  hentai grin  Let me remind you…

Yoake: STOP THAT!  Geez…if you spent as much time musing as you do—well, whatever it is you do…then I could probably get more fics done!  pout

Kurama: Well, it's your own fault for not writing lemons. Hmph!

Yoake: taking deep breaths He's your muse Yoake. You shouldn't kill him.

Anyway, YYH ain't mine, never was and never will.  Don't sue, I'm a poor student and I don't have any money.  Italics are in / text /, the letter parts are in ~ text  ~.  Oh, and please send me your comments minna! ^__^

Dear Fox

            The cold evening breeze gently caressed my flustered face, blowing my scarlet tresses away from my cheeks and causing my frail ningen body to involuntarily shudder against the chilly onslaught.  That's when I realized that I was still standing in front of my open window, staring out into the subtle darkness of the eventide.  It had only been a few moments earlier that the currently empty space on my windowpane, was occupied by a familiar dark figure.  To be more particular however, the familiar dark figure had a trademark white starburst floating on his sable hair, a purple Jagan on his forehead, a black dragon inscribed on his (well-muscled) right arm and a pair of haunting garnet eyes to die for.

            Yes, the love of my life had been standing before me just a few moments ago, and just like many other countless nights before this, he has disappeared faster than the eye could follow.  The unbreakable habit of blurring away into hazy shadows and leaving my hands—and heart, grasping at nothingness.  This time though, he has left me with something other than the usual ache of longing.

            /_My dark knight has left me a letter./_

            Finally finding the will to turn away from my window, and with the disheartening certainty that the incessant visitor of my dreams would not be returning any time soon, I trudged back to my not-so-comforting bed and wearily plopped down my mattress.  Drawing my knees up with me on the cushion and resting my head back against the soft mound of pillows, I warily inspected the worn parchment I had in my hands.  

I supposed that predictably, I would have been ecstatic upon receiving a letter from Hiei.  I smirked, shaking my head.  /_I would have been happy with even a glance from him./_  I thought dejectedly.

But there was something about his demeanor…the curt words of delivery…the determined avoidance of eye contact…and the swift, hasty departure—it all raised my suspicions, increasing my nagging hesitation to discover the contents of the crumpled manuscript.  The koorime was certainly not the most social of individuals, but he was even more withdrawn this evening.  /_Colder…more distant./_  

I sighed.  Hiei had been torn within.  I was certain of that.  He was always the most detached when he was internally battling with himself.  And it seemed that it had taken him a great deal of inner struggle to hand me this letter.  That could only mean very few possibilities.  One of which was my wistful hope that somehow, he had personally crushed his proud barriers and had in some way, finally decided to share his fire with me—or perhaps…he was about to break the heart of his best friend.

I just didn't think I could take the latter.

Sighing, I reached for my comforter with my free hand, bringing it to cover my chilled knees and fingering the soft hem of its lining.  Never in my hundred years of existence did I ever imagine that I would be scared of a rumpled piece of paper.  It was understandable though.  After all, the rumpled piece of paper had come from an adorable Jaganshi who coincidentally, also held my heart—as well as my soul, in his hands. 

There was no further use pondering really.  All that was required was to unfold the letter and read what it said.  Then maybe I could wait for the future to open up before me…or for my world to come crashing down.  Thus, it was with grim resolve—and trembling fingers that I proceeded with my task.

Smoothing the sheet out with my hand, I noticed that the letter had been written quite some time ago.  The edges were crumpled and the body itself bore lines and wrinkles.  The creases were sharp and distinct, indicating that the letter had been folded and unfolded recurringly.  It seemed that my little fire demon had read _and _reread his writing several times.  /_Checking his grammar perhaps?/_  I mused, chuckling at my own lame joke.  Although it rather came out more of a strained sound.  /_Well, you're one to laugh./_  I mentally scoffed.  /_When you can't even bring yourself to read the first line./_

It was true.  I /_was/_ scared.  The fact that the paper bore so many wrinkles meant that Hiei had crumpled it up several times.  Most likely with the intention of throwing it away and most possibly never letting me know what he had written.  /_Was this a farewell letter then?/_  I anxiously wondered.  /_Had he intended to say goodbye so many times in the past but kept changing his mind because of the circumstances?/  _The idea merely caused my already rapid heartbeat to hastily increase its swift pace.  If that was the case, then whatever bond it was that held him back then…it no longer existed now.  If he had thought of me as a friend back then…then perhaps…he doesn't…anymore…

Or perhaps…

He never thought of me as one…

I shook my head, blinking back the stinging in my eyes.  I was being paranoid.  I haven't even read the opening line yet and here I was, thinking up the worst scenarios, nearly making myself cry.  Biting my lip and willing my heartbeat to decelerate, I focused on the first written character.

_~Fox,~_

I couldn't help grinning at the expression.  Brief, curt and direct.  That was Hiei alright.  Of course, I would have preferred 'Dear Fox'.  Or better yet, '/_My/_ Fox'.  My smile grew wistful.  /_Wishful thinking Kurama./_  I sighed.  /_Like that could really happen./  _I hastily discarded the thought.  Although I personally hated being labeled so crudely—I mean, I do have a name after all, and I _am_ the great Youko Kurama…I realized that I didn't really mind when it was coming from the fire demon.  Heck, even being called stupid grew to become an endearment as long as it was from him.  /_I guess…I just really want to hear his voice…that's all./_  

Bringing my attention back to the letter, I read the next few lines.

            ~_It might have come to you as a surprise, but evidently, I am not illiterate as what everyone supposes.  And I am certain that was what you presumed as well.~_

            I raised my eyebrows.  I admit that I never really considered the possibility that Hiei could read and write since it seemed that he had no plausible use for it.  And I certainly never thought that he could do so with Japanese kanji, attributing to the fact that he practically hated anything ningen.

            ~_I am a survivor after all.  And there are certain skills, no matter how trivial they may seem to be, that often prove to be advantageous and thus, are worth learning.  My handwriting being neater than yours has nothing to do with survival though.  It comes naturally.~_

            I smirked.  /_Arrogant as always, my dear youkai./_  Then I frowned, my brows creasing.  /_How does he know that his writing's neater?/  _The koorime was right though.  About being literate that is.  It was certainly an asset I had utilized several times as a thief.  Makai writing was entirely different from that of the Ningenkai however.  And one certainly could not have studied it at the Makai.  I shrugged, finally deciding it was no use wondering how Hiei learned kanji.

            ~_Have you the slightest perception of the difficulty involved in controlling a Jagan?~_

            I blinked at the somewhat unexpected question.

            ~_It requires an enormous amount of physical and mental strength, a strict sense of discipline as well as constant and severe concentration.  The Eye has a mind, a life of its own.  And it relentlessly feeds from the wielder's ki, albeit sharing its own essence in the process.~ _

I felt my brows knit as I read the words.  Just what was Hiei's purpose for writing this letter?It didn't seem to be going anywhere.  Nevertheless, I continued reading.

            ~It is essential then, for the wielder to maintain control at all opportunities, even in slumber.  The Jagan, the Eye, is most capable of exerting its influence with even the slightest amount of negligence.  Or for that instance, a considerable decrease in energy could unleash it as well.~

            So that's why he was such a light-sleeper.  I mused.  But the letter still wasn't making any sense.  And I was gradually getting frustrated.  Did Hiei go through all the trouble of learning kanji and internally battling with himself just to trade combat techniques?  I grudgingly turned my attention back to the manuscript.

            ~_I assume that your kitsune curiosity has just about reached its peak at this moment.  Or perhaps your ningen patience has neared its borders.  You never could deny yourself the opportunity of deciphering a mystery.  Nor the challenge involved in the process.~_

I raised my brows.  The fact that Hiei was able to predict my reactions intrigued me.  His ability to forecast my thoughts and moods could only mean that I was that easy to read.  Which, I was rather certain I was not.  I had always worn a mask of silent arrogance and indifference in my battles, a practice that I had grown quite accustomed to as a youko.  It was a vital requirement I had to acquire as a thief and it proved quite essential in maintaining my reputation as well.

            Yomi himself would have had some difficulty reading my thoughts had it not been for his greatly enhanced senses.  And Yomi had known me longer than Hiei had.  Yet Hiei speaks as though, he knows me inside out.  Like he could read my mind…like he could see my very soul…

            ~_Allow me to satisfy your curiosity then, kitsune.  The point of the matter is the fact that I know you.  I know you very well indeed.~_

            I had been expecting that much.  Yet, I couldn't keep my heartbeat from racing once again, as I read on.

            ~_I did a considerable amount of investigation about your history, before I decided to offer you the proposition regarding the three Reikai treasures.  It did not require much difficulty in reality.  The entire Makai had been quite acquainted with your—shall we say, 'exploits'.~  _

I could almost see Hiei's mocking grin, leering at me, as he spoke the term.  I was beginning to fear the words that were written ahead.  But I just could not tear my eyes away.    

~Ah yes, your legendary tales of thievery…your infamous acts of deceit…your trademark arrogance…and of course, your cold treachery.  However, we must not forget the hearts you broke…the homes you destroyed…the lives you took…and above all…the souls you stole.~

~I have realized by now, that it must have been quite amusing for you, to witness my surprise when you betrayed me by aiding Yusuke.  There is no reason for apprehension though.  For I bear no grudge.  I agree that it was indeed a rather foolish act on my behalf to actually put my trust in Youko Kurama.~ 

I stopped reading.  Mainly because something cold was gripping my chest, causing a painful throb within.  The rather blunt words and carefree manner they were written were hurting a lot more than I was ready for.  Hiei was hurling insults at me like he was carrying on a casual conversation…instead of breaking my heart.

_/Well, what exactly did you expect from someone who never failed to call you stupid at every opportunity?/_  I scoffed, fingering the crumpled edge of the letter.

_/A declaration of undying love?/_

I sighed, closing my eyes. /_Unfortunately…/_

/Yes./  

I could no longer see the purpose to finish reading the letter.  It would certainly just deliver a few more painful blows to my already broken being and cause my rather sore eyes to just burn some more.  But there was this nagging impulse compelling me to continue, probably the same urge that drives the moth towards the flame.  I paused, cracking a bitter smile at the irony of the situation.  /Hiei was my flame./  And it seemed I was going to get badly burned.  Dejectedly, I continued reading. 

~I assume that you have at this point, completely forgotten about the Jagan.~

I almost whimpered in frustration.  /I don't care about the damn purple eye!/  I screamed inwardly.  /Just break my heart and get it over with!/ 

~I admit that I have at certain occasions, lost control of it.  Such circumstances tend to occur whenever I use the Kokuryuuha.  After which, I am deprived of a considerable amount of energy and I am exhausted to the point of unconsciousness. It is during such instances that the Jagan takes on a life of its own, seeking energy from other sources and taking them to replenish itself.~

~I am aware that you have shared your youki with me several times.  And I presume you had no impression that when the Eye absorbs energy, it also assimilates a fragment of the donor's essence.  His thinking…his nature…his mind…his soul.~

The statement grabbed my interest and I felt cold sweat trickle down my face.  Apprehension seized my senses as I began to develop an inkling of what those words actually meant.

~It was in this manner that I learned your true sentiments.  I learned that you held rather deep feelings for me.  I believe, it's the ningen perception you refer to as… 'love'.  And I discovered that you have been—'loving' me for quite an expanse of time.  From the day we met, in fact.~

/He knew! He knew all along! And he never told me!/ I cursed inwardly, gritting my teeth.  /Damn him! Damn him! Damn him!/  My hands were trembling and it was taking a great deal of self-control not to rip the infuriating piece of paper into shreds.  The tremors were not from anger though, but more from hurt and frustration.  Hurt, because of the realization that Hiei really didn't care.  He had remained cold and indifferent in spite of the knowledge that I loved him.  That I loved him from the first time we met.  That I loved him more than life itself.  That I loved him so much it hurts…Yet, it didn't mean anything to him.  It meant nothing.  Just one more insignificant piece of information to be added to his research.  Maybe that was all I had ever been to him.  A diversion, a puzzle.  Fascinating, only when because it was enigmatic.  But easily discarded when it no longer held any mystery.  And now, that the puzzle had been solved…he was ready to throw it away…

/Was that it?/  I blinked, tears beginning to sting my eyes.  /Had I always just been a game?/

~Indeed, I have read your very soul Kurama.  And in spite of it, you have learned absolutely nothing about me.~

"That's not true."  I whispered, arguing with a phantom that wasn't there.  I looked out the window wishing he wasthere.  Wishing he would tell me that he didn't mean those things.   "You're my best friend, Hiei…of course, I know you."  

~I am quite aware of the credit you bestow on yourself, for acquiring me as your ally.  You must consider though, that just because I tolerate your presence does not necessarily mean I care.  And the fact that we have been acquaintances for years doesn't change the reality that you could never truly comprehend me.  You may know my origin kitsune.  And you may know a portion of my history.  There are others who are aware of these details as well.  Yet, they do not know the real me.  And you should not have the audacity to assume that you are any different.~

I felt a sharp pain in my chest and I tried to choke back a sob.  /But I thought…I always thought…/ Tears blurred my vision, yet I continued to read through the haze.  /Why do I keep reading anyway?  I just end up getting hurt some more./  I reasoned.  I didn't know why.  I didn't know anything anymore.  Maybe if I got hurt some more, I'd eventually get numb.  Numb…so that I wouldn't feel the pain.  I didn't want to feel the pain.  I didn't want to feel…anymore.

~I am certain that you believe you have gotten past my barriers.  Well, kitsune, I assure you…they are still standing.  I admit you might have managed to inflict a slight fracture or so.  But that is trivial.  My fortress has never been taken down.  And I guarantee you, it never will.  Most certainly not by a youko.~  

~Does it hurt Kurama?  I certainly hope it does.~

/You don't know how much, Hiei./  I sobbed, warm tears trickling down my cold cheeks.  /You don't know how much…/

~You must think me a coward for not saying this to your face.~

"You're damn right, you jerk!"  This time, the words practically flew out of my mouth, mixed with sobbing and the strain in my voice.

~And I admit I am.~  

~Because I'm scared.~  

I blinked, slowly brushing away tears with my hand.  I wasn't quite sure I read that right.  

~Yes, fox.  I'm scared…~

~Scared to face the truth.~

~And perhaps, you should consider me a fool as well.  For I am a fool.  A fool for believing that I could convince you—or rather, more appropriately…convince myself.  Convince myself that it wasn't true.  And gods, Fox, how I wish it wasn't.~

I felt my brows knit in confusion, then smooth out with realization…as a tiny flicker of hope began to dance inside my chest.  I held it back, for fear that I could be wrong.  I let the paper rest on my thighs as I rubbed my cold arms with both hands before bringing them to wrap around my shivering body, hugging myself.  Taking a deep breath to calm myself and wiping the last remnants of tears from my eyes, I read the words that followed…

_~I wish it wasn't true that I dream about you at night.  I wish it wasn't true that I long to hold you in my arms.  I wish it wasn't true that I crave to see your smile.  I wish it wasn't true that I yearn to kiss your lips.  I wish it wasn't true that I ache to caress your face.  I wish it wasn't true that I need you so much…it hurts.~ _

A faint smile came to my lips and my chest eased as if a burden had been lifted from it.  Yet, my heart continued to beat madly as a wonderful sensation rushed through my being.

_~And I wish it wasn't true that I love you.~  _

_~But it is.~_

_            ~And although I could continue lying to myself…I can no longer lie to you.~_

My mind whirled and I felt my heart jump in my chest.  Warm tears came to my eyes once more and began to slide down my flushed cheeks as I read the last few lines of the letter…

_~Aishiteru Kurama…my fox.~_

_~With all my heart.~_

_~Aishiteru.~  _

_            ~Forever,~_

_            ~Hiei~_

Lovingly, I brought the letter to my lips and gently ran my fingers over his name.  I carefully refolded the sheet, placing it inside my treasure box.  I rose from my bed and strode to my open window, allowing the night breeze to caress my face as I savored its chilly embrace. Leaning on my sill, I whispered to the darkness…

            _"Forever…"_

            "My love…" 

- owari -

Kurama: THAT'S IT?!?! NO LEMON?!?!

Yoake: You know, you should be grateful, you still got a happy ending.

Kurama: indignant Where's the 'happy' in that?!

Yoake: coldly I let you live didn't I?

Kurama:  Ha! Even if you killed me in a fic, Hiei would always bring me back to life with his undying love and devotion!

Yoake: falls on face I give up.


End file.
